


Through the Cracks

by gin_tonic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-31
Updated: 2011-03-31
Packaged: 2017-10-17 10:25:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/175866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gin_tonic/pseuds/gin_tonic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even saviours lead lives like everyone else and lately Harry's life had a little more downs than ups. But while some things end forever, others are just beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through the Cracks

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many thanks to angela_snape for being a wonderful beta and to accioslash for all the help and the hard work!

Harry heard the familiar whoosh of Apparition outside the front door when he came downstairs from putting his son to bed. He frowned even before Charlie entered the house.

"Where have you been?" Harry asked and noted belatedly that his voice sounded like that of a nagging housewife. But maybe that was all he was nowadays. "It's past nine already!"

Charlie, shaking off the few raindrops that had landed in his hair after his arrival, blinked up at Harry. "I told you I was going out for drinks with my colleagues tonight."

"No, you didn't. And I could have used your help here." Harry descended the stairs completely and walked past Charlie into the kitchen. He heard how Charlie took off his robe and hung it, before following him.

"With what?"

"Jeremy didn't want to go to sleep. As usual. Didn't you promise to read him a story before going to bed?" Harry crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked at Charlie. It was always the same thing. Charlie forgot to tell Harry when he had plans after work and Harry was left eating dinner with their son for company. Not a bad thing as such, but after a whole day of hearing mostly unintelligible mumbling and gurgling, Harry longed for a proper conversation.

"Well, yeah. But I had plans for tonight. And I _did_ tell you. I need to get along with these guys, after all. Was I supposed to say no when they asked me out for a drink? And I thought Jeremy would be exhausted tonight. He did have that play date with his cousins, didn't he?" Charlie opened the cupboards, clearly looking for food. He was always hungry when he had drunk beer.

"I put your food under a stasis charm." Harry pointed at the table. "And no. Ginny Fire-called; Maggie caught the flu and she didn't want Jeremy to get sick as well. And neither did I. So we spent the day drawing pictures."

Harry watched how Charlie lifted the shield around his food and dug in, nodding his thanks. Harry ran a hand through his hair. He had envisioned his life differently.

"How so?" Charlie asked and Harry realised that he had spoken aloud. He shook his head, not really wanting to talk about it. After all, what was going to change? "No really, tell me, Harry."

He shouldn't be ungrateful, Harry knew. They had a nice house, a relatively calm life, and they had Jeremy. But nevertheless, the words seem to find a way out. "Just not ... not like this."

"Like what, Harry?"

Well, it had to come out some day, didn't it? Harry sighed and decided to face the music. "You coming home late, me doing nothing but caring for our son, wiping snot away."

"Are you saying you don't like taking care of our son?" Charlie pushed his plate away and got up, facing Harry.

"No, I do. It's just not what I wanted to do all the time. And you come home late, you are tired, and I'm tired and we don't talk about anything." Waving his wand, Harry floated the plate over to the sink and started cleaning it.

"I need to work, Harry!"

"Well, so do I!"

"You are!"

"How nice of you to notice! Usually you like to pretend that this is nothing. But just because your mother is an angel in the house, it doesn't mean that all of us are as good as her." He hadn't really meant to bring Molly into this, but the constant comparison smarted, especially when he couldn't fulfil the expectations applied to him.

"Don't you bring my mother into this!"

"Well, then stop comparing me to her! I'll never measure up anyway." Harry walked away from Charlie a few meters, then turned around towards him again. "I need to get out of the house."

"You go shopping and you go visit Hermione. Isn't that enough?" Charlie crossed his arms in front of his chest and Harry wanted to hit the condescending bastard right in the face. But he didn't.

"Thank you for giving me a going-out allowance now!"

"What are you on about now?"

"You thinking that spending about 4 hours a week out of the house is enough to fill my life! I said I wanted to work, Charlie! Work! Can't you understand that?" They had argued about this often enough. In the beginning they had distracted each other with sex, but by now that plan wasn't going to work anymore.

"You're behaving like a hysterical housewife!"

"Seems like I am one!" Harry threw his hands in the air. "And you think I shouldn't be more."

"Sometimes we have to do things we don't like," Charlie said with a serious look that bordered onto judgement.

"Such as?"

"Working at the Ministry." Charlie walked toward the window and looked outside into the rainy night. From experience Harry knew that Charlie wouldn't be able to see a thing outside.

"The decision for me to stay home was a punishment because you don't like your job?"

"No!"

"If you don't like it, quit!"

"And do what?"

"Whatever you want." Harry knew it was easier to say something like this than to actually follow through with the plan. After all he was still an unwilling stay-at-home dad. And while the whole 'taking care of the kids' thing worked for some people it didn't for Harry.

"What I want is to work with dragons again."

Harry wasn't surprised. "It was your decision to take the Ministry job. Because you wanted to be here. With us. I thought you want that."

"I did. I do. I just ... we could move to Romania. I could go back to my old job." Charlie turned around again, the look on his face slightly hopeful.

Harry snorted bitterly. As if that would work. "And what about me? I don't speak the language, Charlie!"

"Jeremy -"

"I just told you I don't want to be a stay at home dad anymore!" Harry raised his voice again. Why didn't Charlie understand?

"Well, what do you want me to do?"

"I don't know." Harry put his head in his hands.

"This is not going to work."

"... No."

There was silence for a couple of moments, then Charlie cleared his throat and said: "Maybe we should finally admit that it's over."

"Wait. What?" Harry raised his head.

"It has been awful for a while now."

"Charlie." Harry looked at him, aghast. "Please. Are you saying-"

"Harry, we do nothing but argue."

"But ... that's normal!"

"Every day? About everything and anything?" Harry didn't know what to say. "Tell me, Harry, do you still love me?"

"Yes! Of course!"

"Are you sure? Do you look forward to me coming home?" Harry didn't answer. "Me either. And you still want to have sex with me?"

"We haven't slept together in months."

"Yes."

Harry ran his hands through his hair. This couldn't be happening. When they started dating they had – he had – thought it would last forever. But Charlie was right. "We don't spend any time together. Maybe-"

"You really think spending time together will help?" Charlie sounded just as defeated as Harry felt.

"So that's it? Just like that?"

Charlie shook his head, then nodded. "I ... I'll Floo to Tonks and sleep there until I get things sorted out."

"You'll go back to Romania then?"

"I think so, yes."

"And what's to become of Jeremy and me?"

"I'll send money."

"You know we don't need it."

"And ... and I'd like to visit. See Jeremy. Be his father."

"Of course." Harry wiped the back of his hand over his eyes and noted with surprise that it came back wet. He swallowed and pressed out: "You will always be his father."

******

The first week after Charlie had left, Harry pretended that nothing had happened. He had to take care of Jeremy, buy groceries, clean the house. It was only in the evening, when Jeremy was already asleep in his bed, that Harry noticed how silent and empty the house suddenly was. After three days Charlie Fire-called and told him that he had found a little hut that he would live in for now. It wasn't fit yet for Jeremy, he said, and Harry was afraid for a moment that Charlie would take Jeremy away to live with him in Romania. Maybe Charlie had seen it in his eyes, because he immediately told Harry how much he would be at work, and how complicated it would be for a small child to live with him constantly. And how much he appreciated the work Harry did. And Harry couldn't help but think that funny it was that Charlie was able to say this now, when he had never told Harry so before. The call ended by them deciding to talk to Charlie's parents at the weekend.

Of course the rest of their family and friends knew about the separation almost immediately after Harry and Charlie had told Charlie's parents about it. They were beside themselves, trying to convince them to try a relationship for a bit longer, but Harry and Charlie had been adamant. No matter how painful it was, no matter how raw Harry felt, he knew, deep down, that all chances for a happy relationship with Charlie were gone.

The second week was even busier than the week before. While Harry had been tired in the evenings even before Charlie had left, he was more tired now that Charlie had gone to Romania. He had never realised how much Charlie had done in the house, how much it helped. It had never been enough, but Harry noticed the lack of Charlie's presence more strongly than he had anticipated. And now that their friends and family knew, they insisted on coming over trying to cook for him. But instead of feeling comforted, Harry felt smothered. And his guests might have brought food, but he still ended up cleaning up after they had left.

It was the beginning of week three after the fact, when Draco Malfoy stood in front of Harry's door. Surprised, but not unpleasantly so, Harry let him in. Their relationship had improved since Hogwarts, even though anything that wasn't hexing could be called an improvement.

"Severus needs someone to help out with Transfiguration classes."

"I don't want anyone's pity. I'm doing okay," Harry said and tried to muster a smile. He handed Draco a cup of tea, but didn't sit down himself.

"Oh please. You're going stir crazy now more than ever."

"I'm-"

"You cleaned the house."

"Yes, but-"

"Twice. By hand." Draco nodded at the cloth with which Harry was wiping down the coffee-table.

"Molly had Jeremy this afternoon."

"Harry, if you don't want to think, at least do something productive!" Draco shook his head in exasperation.

"I. Well."

"You wanted to work. You told me so often enough."

"Yes, but I don't want charity."

"This _is_ Severus Snape we are talking about."

Harry had the decency to look sheepish. "Do you think I could just leave?"

"It's not like you're selling the place. Besides, do you want to be here at the moment?"  
Harry shook his head. "He wasn't here much during the day, but I never thought it could feel this empty." The knowledge alone that Charlie wasn't here and never would be sharing this house with him was alien to Harry. Even worse, he couldn't think of it as home anymore. He suspected that his constantly deteriorating mood was affecting Jeremy as well, as the child was quieter and looked more serious these days. Harry hadn't thought something like that was possible. Maybe it _was_ time for a change. "If Snape wants me…"

Draco smirked. "Don't worry and leave everything to me." He got up and summoned his cloak. "But you might want to start packing."

 

******

 

Three days later Harry set down the last box of their belongings and looked around in the quarters Snape had offered to him. They weren't big and hadn't yet much to show for, but they already felt more like _home_ than the house had.

"I hope this is to your satisfaction," Snape said as he walked into the room.

Harry turned and smiled. "Yes. And thank you again for doing this. I –"

"This isn't charity, Potter. I needed someone who was not a complete dunderhead and at least slightly competent enough to help out with classes. Another week of taking over classes with Minerva's imbeciles and I would probably have to top myself."

"Well," Harry said, still smiling, "Thank you anyway. Especially for not being bothered about me bringing Jeremy here."

Snape frowned and walked towards the windows that overlooked the courtyard. "I was assured by several parties that he would not get into the way of you doing your job."

Harry gave a small chuckle and floated one of the boxes marked _'Bedroom'_ out of the sitting area. The castle had provided them with a room that served both as study and as living room, the fireplace usable for both Floo-calls as well as boiling water in a kettle for tea, as well as two bedrooms. Cosy and comfortable, Harry had decided. But then again, that was, despite everything that had happened between the castle-walls, what Hogwarts had always been to him. "You mean you were bullied into it."

"I wouldn't put it like that."

"But Draco sicced Molly and Madam Pomfrey on you."

"They might have mentioned that they will help takie care of the little one, yes," Snape conceded with a grimace. Harry couldn't blame him. Both women on their own could be fearsome enough, but in tandem they were invincible.

"So, it's still a couple of days till I start as a teacher. Any words of advice, anything else that I'm supposed to follow that Minerva hasn't yet sent me?"

Snape turned around and looked him up and down. Harry gulped heavily, not really sure whether the sense of foreboding that he felt was justified. Knowing Snape, though, it probably was. "I do indeed, Mr Potter. Maybe we should sit down."

 

******

 

The talk with Snape had been surprisingly pleasant. Despite getting on well whenever they saw each other – not that these times amounted to more than two or three times a year – Harry had thought that close proximity would bring out the old animosities. Instead Snape had treated him like one of the other teachers. Which didn't mean that he had been treated as an equal, but at least Snape had not made an exception of him again and had treated him with the basic respect that his new position apparently deserved. He had even listened to Harry's few suggestions of alternating and adjusting the third and fourth year curriculum and had said that he would give it consideration.

"I'll probably get an owl tomorrow, saying that my ideas don't have any merit, or something," Harry muttered and opened a box with Jeremy's clothes in it. Jeremy was still at Molly's and would be until tomorrow, when Harry hoped to have finished unpacking. He hadn't brought too much from the house, only what he and Jeremy would need during the next couple of weeks. Strangely enough this lack of things caused Harry to consider reading books that he hadn't touched in eons and look at pictures that were well stuffed in a box in the attic. Weird how the absence of things could make you want them.

Harry shook himself out of his thoughts and yawned. Sleep was itching in his eyes, but he wanted to get the room finished before going to bed. A voice in his head that sounded strangely like Draco asked him mockingly whether he was a wizard or a mouse, and Harry caved and grabbed his wand. Two waves and a flick let neatly folded clothing fly into the assigned drawers, leaving the box empty. Usually Harry liked to do the occasional thing, especially concerning everything Jeremy, Muggle style. Waving a wand around could be horribly impersonal – and, additionally to that, it didn't exactly make stuff easier either. One could cast spells that washed the dishes, stirred the soup, folded laundry and swept the floors, but it took magical energy and, with doing this and that during the day, would leave oneself drained in the evening anyway. The only thing that _'foolish wand-waving'_ was good for was saving time. Time that he could spend with Jeremy. Or now, also for work. Maybe using the occasional household-magic and accepting house-elf help wouldn't be the worst idea.

 

******

 

Harry put Jeremy in his crib and stroked a strand of hair out of Jeremy's face, before tucking him in and leaving the room silently. Before he closed the doors he cast a charm that would allow him to hear if Jeremy woke up. Draco was waiting patiently, sitting in an armchair and sipping tea. Knowing him, he probably brought his own blend and made the house-elves brew it exactly to his liking.

"I really do owe you," Harry said and sat down in the other armchair with a tired sigh.  
Draco raised an eyebrow. "I do concur. But for what? Waiting here?"

Harry threw him a look. "You know full well. For dealing with Charlie. I don't think I could do this at the moment. It's not even that I hate him or anything, it's just … I don't know how I would react to seeing him."

"Don't worry about it." Draco looked uncomfortable. Slightly puzzled, because Draco had never been someone who was embarrassed when others thanked him for something that he had done (or not done), Harry shrugged. He knew when he was supposed to drop topics. If nothing else, his life at the Dursleys' had taught him as much.

"Have you heard about Puddlemere's latest loss?"

 

******

 

Harry ran around frantically in his room. It was one of those days when he had to be careful not to be late for class. And no matter how often he told himself to get ready earlier, to prepare things the evening before, he usually ended up doing everything last-minute. He checked one last time that Jeremy really wasn't in his crib anymore, but that he had brought him to Madam Pomfrey, grabbed his stuff and ran out of the room. Sprinting down the hall, Harry thought about how much he loved teaching. He couldn't say that he was glad about how he had come to return to Hogwarts, but he was honestly grateful that, despite everything that had happened, he had the chance at a new life.

But sometimes things could get a bit much. Sometimes, when Harry put Jeremy to bed in the evening and watched him fall asleep, Harry strongly felt how alone he was once his son fell asleep. None of it was Jeremy's fault, of course. It wasn't even Charlie's fault for leaving him, Harry knew that. At least intellectually. But it didn't make it any less hard to sit around in an armchair in front of the fireplace, a glass of elf wine in his hand, and fear that his life had come to a standstill. There was Jeremy, on one side, and on the other side there was work. But there was no time for him, for Harry. He could be a professor, or father, but not just Harry. And yes, maybe he was melodramatic. But he was entitled to be.

 

******

 

It was one of those rare mornings that Harry actually ate breakfast in the Great Hall. Molly had Jeremy for the weekend because Charlie was visiting. It was strange, spending this much time without Jeremy. Harry had spent hours without his son, surely, but never the whole weekend. But Charlie was entitled to see Jeremy. Harry should probably be glad that he didn't take Jeremy back to the dragon reserve with him.

"You're putting me off my food, Potter," Snape grunted next to him and shook Harry out of his thoughts.

Harry blinked at him. "Sorry."

That just made Snape switch from glare to frown. "Why so morose, Potter?"

"Jeremy."

"You're missing your son." Statement and question at the same time and not as much disbelief has Harry would have suspected Snape to put into it.

"Yeah." Harry shoved a hash-brown into his mouth and ignored Snape's disgusted snort. "It's just weird, you know?"

"Potter, that's appalling. Do finish chewing before you speak."

Harry swallowed. "Sorry," he said, though he really wasn't.

Snape sniffed, but let it pass. "Instead of feeling sorry for yourself you should amuse yourself with your students."

Harry nearly choked on his tea. Snape?! Amusing himself with his students? Somehow Harry couldn't picture Snape being remotely friendly even to the Slytherins. Favouring them, surely, but being friendly. His suspicions were confirmed when Snape continued to talk: "See Cleaver over there?" Snape discreetly pointed over to a gangly boy sitting at the Slytherin-table. "Filius told me that he managed to charm his voice so that he can speak to mice."

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Save the question why he did that – so?"

"He can _only_ talk to mice. All humans hear is squeaking. Its reversal takes a couple of days," he added at Harry's look.

"His voice will return to normal?"

"Yes."

"And he does nothing but squeak?"

"Yes."

Harry snorted and answered Snape's amused glace with a grin.

"See, Potter, I told you there were far better things than moping about. Now, do you see that girl over there? McKinley is her name. Aurora told me the other day –"

 

******

 

Harry cast a monitoring charm over Jeremy, who was busy playing with his colourful, blinking bricks, and checked himself in the mirror before he opened the door.

"Headmaster, come in," he said and smiled at Snape as he stepped aside. Snape nodded at him and walked past him, towards the table where tea was already waiting. Self-consciously, Harry tried smoothing down a wayward strand of hair before following Snape.

"How are your classes going?" Snape asked as he sat down in his usual spot on the little couch in Harry's living room.

"All right, I actually have to say. No major class clowns, no murder attempts –"

Snape snorted. "Even as a former student you would probably be surprised at how many of those we have. Most are actually accidental. Just today one of those buffoons in my fifth year class threw wormwood into a fire potion –"

"Let me guess: The classroom nearly exploded." Harry snorted, then cringed at the look that Snape gave him for having interrupted him.

"Quite. Had I not put up a proper shielding charm –" Snape stopped and looked at Harry suspiciously. "How did you know what happened? As far as I remember your knowledge of potions was rather abysmal."

Harry smiled wryly. "Blimey, thanks! Couldn't you have said something like 'rather unsatisfactory'?" He looked at Snape's unmoving face. "Of course you couldn't." He shook his head, still smiling. "I know because part of your left eyebrow is singed. Headmaster." He belatedly added.

Snape checked his eyebrow with his fingers, huffed, and charmed it back to the way it was supposed to look. "I think we can leave the formalities. After all the rest of the staff calls me by my first name."

Harry nearly fell out of his armchair at this. Call Snape – Severus – Snape by his first name? Well. That was … kind of … "Wow."

"Eloquent as ever. Harry." Severus – Snape – Severus said and smirked at Harry.

Harry coughed and tried to cover his embarrassment by offering tea to Severus, who accepted it gladly. As much as the man drank whenever he visited Harry, he must be a real tea-fanatic, Harry decided.

 

******

 

The evening before with Severus had been surprisingly nice. Their talk had continued for a long while after they had established the first name basis and after a while Jeremy had started complaining. To appease him they had had dinner and Severus, who, to Harry's bewilderment, got along well with Jeremy. But that was a whole different story and Harry should concentrate on the problem at hand.

Looking at Luke Barton, fourteen years old, horribly confused about more or less everything, and yet very adept at Transfiguration once he managed to get his head around a spell, Harry felt strangely reminded of himself as a school-boy. Luke, though, was not at all what Harry had been like. Not a bone of proper trouble-maker in him. But what made him so much like a fourteen year old Harry was his need for guidance. And Harry simply couldn't send him away.

"It's really not that hard," Harry told Barton with a smile. "You just need to concentrate on the wand-movement." He slowly traced a number of swishes and twirls with his wand, then repeated them when Barton still didn't seem any less confused.

"I'll never get the hang of it before we have our exams!" cried Barton dismayed, but Harry shook his head.

"Don't worry about those just yet. They are still months away and you have got time to practice." Harry checked his watch. He was due to pick up Jeremy from Madam Pomfrey, who was watching over him today, but he couldn't just kick Barton out in a state like this. He took a deep breath. "Now, let us try the wand-movement together. Follow my lead."

******

 

Harry greeted Jeremy with a smile as he took him in his arms. "Hey little guy. How was your day?" He looked at Madam Pomfrey. "Did he behave?"

"Oh, he was a dear. Not that he could be anything but." Madam Pomfrey handed Harry the bag with Jeremy's toys. "Do you have any plans for tonight?"

Harry snorted and hugged Jeremy closer. "Jeremy and I are going to finish reading the storybook Ron gave him." He paused and smiled as he remembered that he had yet another plan for the evening. "And Severus said that he would come by. He pretends to come by just for tea, but actually he wants to check up on me. Not that I could begrudge him that. After all, he's the headmaster, and I'm the new teacher without any proper teacher training."

Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes. "As if any of the others had that."

"I heard Binns actually did some teacher training."

"Yes, but the question in that case it rather when did he have teacher training?" Madam Pomfrey and Harry laughed, before Madam Pomfrey shooed Harry out of her infirmary.

 

"You're late," Severus greeted him as Harry finally reached the door to his quarters.

"Yeah, by one minute." He reached in his pockets to find his wand, then abandoned the mission and waved his hand instead, opening the door wandlessly.

"By two." Severus followed Harry into the room. Harry didn't mind Severus moving freely in his living quarters. By now he was used to the other man's presence, even liked it.

Harry handed Jeremy to Severus and said: "Can you hold him for a minute?" With a wave of his wand, Harry floated the kettle and the teapot over. Another wave let the kettle to pour water into the teapot, where the leaves were already waiting.

"Well, Potter, despite the fact that he has both Weasley and Potter genes he has not yet reached the stage where he transforms into an insufferable dunderhead," Severus said as he handed Jeremy back. Harry smiled at the compliment and noted that there was no frown on Severus' face as he looked at Jeremy. Who would have thought that Severus Snape liked small children?

"Well, he has not yet learned to talk," Severus snorted and Harry blushed as he realized that he had spoken out loud. He took Jeremy and cuddled him, held him close to his chest. Only when a sigh escaped his lips he noted that a strange heaviness had weighted down his heart – and still wasn't completely gone.

"What's wrong?" Ah, Severus. As astute as ever. Nothing – or at least not much – could escape that man's attention. And Harry knew that evasion wasn't going to work. Besides, as tired as he was his Occlumency skills were probably next to naught and one look into Severus' eyes would send his thoughts and feelings out screaming. Better to come clean on his own then.

"I was late picking up Jeremy today."

"And?" Severus prompted and looked first pointedly at Harry, then at an armchair. As Harry made a motion towards the kettle he just got glared at and finally conceded to take a seat. Besides, letting go of Jeremy even for tea, now that he had him close to his heart, didn't seem possible just now.

"I was late. Isn't that enough?"

"Everyone is late sometimes, Potter." The use of his last name got Severus a glare of his own, but instead of correcting himself he just inclined his head slightly. Though that could also just have been Severus checking in on the water. Harry could never be sure with him.

"Well, you aren't."

Severus pursed his mouth and was silent long enough for Jeremy to sense an opportunity to make himself heard. Harry kissed his head and rocked him a bit to quiet him down. "Alas, I can't claim that. I have been late. Once. Or twice."

Harry snorted. "Yeah, right. For what then? Nothing important or you wouldn't admit to it, would you?"

"To a date."

"A date?" Harry looked wide-eyed at Severus.

"Yes. Is the concept so alien to you? Your old Potions-master and –"

Harry interrupted him before Severus could spoil the mood completely. "No, no! Not at all. Just … you being late. To a date. I always thought you'd be the type to be punctual."

"So you think I'd be overeager?" Severus frowned and Harry hastened to tell him otherwise: "No, just – you know – thoughtful." They were silent for a while, looking at each other but not really making eye contact. Harry noted that Jeremy had fallen asleep to his rocking and mumbled, "I'd better...," before getting up and leaving the room. Better to put Jeremy in his crib before he was woken up by the kettle. It had been a while since he had last had his nap. Though that didn't change that his leaving Jeremy was rather reluctant.

When he came back into the living room a cup of tea was waiting for him. "Thanks." They both drank some tea and it wasn't until their cups were half-empty that Severus started to speak again.

"Now, why is it so horrible that you were late?"

Harry sighed. "It's just … I used to spend all day with Jeremy and now I can't, because I take care of other people's kids. And that's kind of fine – after all I wanted to work and I really love teaching," he quickly assured Severus, "But I always pick up Jeremy and spend the rest of the day with him."

"Well, that doesn't sound bad."

"No, not technically. I mean, of course I love to spend time with him and I miss being able to see everything he does. But at least I'm always there in the afternoon and can play with him before it's time for a little nap again. Or so I thought. Because today I wasn't able to make it, because I was helping a pupil."

"So you couldn't spend time with your own child because you were taking care of another."

"Yes."

Severus nodded, but didn't saying anything. Instead, he looked at Harry expectantly.

"It just seems," Harry said eventually, "that the important things are falling through the cracks." He startled when he felt the hand on his shoulder and looked up at Severus, who wasn't smiling, but there was a warmth in his face that Harry hadn't noticed before. Severus gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze and let go. Harry shuddered slightly and smiled, shyly. "Thanks."

 

******

 

Harry woke with a scream and stared into the darkness of his room. Sweat was pouring down his brow and he was breathing heavily. "Bloody hell," he said with a broken voice and repeated the sentiment once more for emphasis. Slowly, shaking, Harry got up and walked into the bathroom, where he splashed his face with ice-cold water.

"Stop freaking out," he told himself. It hadn't been his first sex dream. And not even his first sex dream of someone that was not Charlie. That had already happened during their marriage, had freaked him out successfully, and he had learned that it definitely was something normal that occasionally happened to people. After Jeremy had been born there had been admittedly less of those dreams, just like there had been less sex. Hermione had told him that this was normal. After all, after spending the whole caring day for Jeremy he was bound to be tired. And after he and Charlie had broken up there hadn't been any of those dreams.  
Until now. Until this night. And maybe – maybe – wouldn't matter so much if he had dreamt about one of his old dream-companions. But instead …

Harry splashed his face again, then shook his head and filled the sink with water, before dunking his head in. Not that it helped much. Rather, it just made him more awake, which made it impossible to deny who exactly he had dreamt about. Severus Snape. Severus fucking Snape. Bane of his youth, secret hero of his adolescence, silent presence of his adulthood. And now, apparently, sex-dream-companion-who-liked-to-give-it-hard-and-fast.

Harry sank down on the bathroom floor. How could he do this? Dream something like this about the man who had helped and supported him, and was like a mentor to him. How was he supposed to look Severus in the eyes again? And what about Charlie? Didn't it devalue their marriage, even if it was all firm, if he dreamt so soon of another man? Usually it hadn't been someone that he knew close, which made it so much worse this time. What was he going to do?

 

******

 

Draco draped his cloak over the back of the sofa and accepted the cup of tea that Harry handed him. "Still the good housewife, I see," he said with a smirk and Harry threw him a look.

"Shut up. Just because I know how to treat guests –"

"Calm down. It's not like I disapprove." Draco took a sip and pretended to ignore Harry's huff. "Wonderful. Now, how are you?"

"Okay, I guess." Harry gave Jeremy, who was playing at his feet with a wizard-teddy (actually it was more a matter of putting the teddy's leg into his mouth than playing with it, but Harry had decided that the slightly carnivorous tendencies of his son were alright as long as the teddy kept his leg), a kiss on the head before sitting down in the armchair with a sigh.

"You look like hell."

Harry shot Draco a look. "Thanks."

Draco shrugged, not the least bit bothered. "I'm just honest. It's what you love me for."

"You wish," Harry said and stuck out his tongue. "Haven't been sleeping so well."

"Why's that?"

"Dunno. Guess life's just a bit more stressful when you're a single parent." As if Harry would admit to having sex-dreams about their former professor. Especially to Draco, who would milk the situation like nothing else. And who was a friend to Severus. Harry couldn't be sure that he'd keep his mouth shut, no matter how good their own friendship was these days.

Draco nodded. "About that. Charlie's agreed to the shared custody as he promised to you. Jeremy will grow up with you and Charlie will spend the occasional weekend with him at his mother's place. Though it's not like he has a lot time off – dragons, so it appears, are very demanding."

 

******

 

He didn't know when it had happened for the first time. When he had started seeing Severus in the Snape that he had known – or thought he had known. But somewhere along the line he had got to know some of the hidden layers that were Severus Snape.

Lying in his bed at night, Jeremy sleeping silently in his cot, Harry stared at the ceiling and thought about Severus. How different he was from what he had expected. He had gotten along with Severus for a while now, but had never thought that there would be more than an acceptance of each other's existence. He had been Draco's mentor – and Harry's hero, though he would never say that out loud out of fear that he might be ridiculed – and that had been it. Or so Harry had told himself. But here, in close proximity, where the Half-Blood Prince, Severus, and Snape merged to a new persona, Harry felt intrigued.

"So much that I spend my night lying awake and thinking about him, apparently," Harry snorted and rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, determined to sleep.

But he didn't. Instead of sleep, images of Severus flittered through Harry's head. How Severus laughed. How he drank his tea – half a spoon of brown sugar, no milk. How he sometimes looked at Harry when he thought Harry wouldn't notice. And in the depth of the night, secure between his blankets, Harry admitted to himself that he had sent those same looks towards Severus. And he couldn't help but feel nervous.

 

******

 

Severus held out a cup of tea that Harry took with a smile. Their fingers brushed; the action in itself accidental, the length of the touch deliberate. Harry blushed and looked away, not really sure what to make of his quick beating heart.

Severus cleared his throat and if Harry hadn't been occupied by his own embarrassment he would have noted the slightly awkward rasp in Severus' voice as he started to speak: "I suspect your day was acceptable?" Harry nodded absently. "Have the brats done anything worth mentioning or shall we forgo that particular topic?"

"Farnsworth has managed to turn his foot into a toucan," Harry mumbled, still afraid of and fascinated by the ba-doom-ba-doom of his heart.

"That must have been quite a sight."

Harry mentally shook himself and cleared his throat, lifting his eyes again, only to detect that Severus' face had a slight tinge about himself that made him look … well … more like a human being. "Yes," he finally said. "I had to send him to the hospital wing, but it's nothing permanent."

"But still serious enough to send him to Madam Pomfrey?" Severus frowned. "Surely a simple transfiguration was something that you could sort out on your own."

"'course." Harry shot him a look. "But the toucan bit Farnsworth's other foot."  
Severus snorted and tried to hide his amusement in his cup of tea.

"I believe that's what one calls _Schadenfreude_ ," Harry said with a grin, forgetting about the matters of his heart for a moment.

"I didn't know you knew such sophisticated words."

Harry suppressed the urge to punch Severus' shoulder (the hex he would have received in retaliation wouldn't have been worth the bother) and clucked his tongue. "I did grow up."

"Yes, I noticed."

 

******

 

Harry worried his lip and tried to concentrate on the lesson plans, while watching Jeremy play at the same time. He couldn't focus. He had seen Severus looking at him. Could it be that Severus was interested in him? Surely not. Impossible. How could Severus find someone like Harry – annoying brat and former student – attractive? But then again Severus had _looked_ at him. And Harry _did_ find Severus intriguing, to say the least. So why not? Sure, Severus was a bastard, but he had known that before. And, now knowing the man better, he could honestly say that he liked him. Severus was funny. Witty. And Harry felt good with him. So yeah, why couldn't there be anything with Severus? Provided that the man was interested. Which he probably wasn't. Most likely Harry imagined the looks that Severus had sent him when he thought Harry wasn't looking. Really, maybe Harry read too much into the whole thing. But maybe … maybe there was something between them. Something that he should give a chance.

Harry smiled at that thought, but shook his head a couple of seconds later. No, he couldn't. Knowing his track record he would mess everything up. What if it ended the same way as his marriage had ended? What if Severus ended up hating him? He would have to leave Hogwarts, and he would uproot Jeremy all over again. Would have to find a new job – and that was hard when being a single father, even if one had once saved the wizarding world. And even if he didn't mess things up – though Harry knew that he would. He always did. – what would Charlie think? What would the Weasleys say? Wouldn't that be just like a hex straight in the face? He couldn't do that. Couldn't betray them like this. He had to forget all about this crush of his. He had to focus on work.

Harry looked at the paper in front of him. The words were blurred. He couldn't focus.

 

******

Harry wasn't sleeping well. He woke up nearly every hour because he was afraid to dream about Severus again, and that left him drained and cranky. Twice he called off afternoon-tea with Severus, unable to face him. That night Harry woke up in the middle of the night again and, noticing that he probably wouldn't be able to fall asleep, he wandered into Jeremy's room. Harry loved watching his son sleep. Jeremy had always been a calm baby, had fussed very little during the night. With a smile Harry looked into the crib and frowned as his son coughed in his restless sleep. Worried, Harry put his hand on Jeremy's forehead and jerked it back immediately, as he felt his son's fever.

"Oh Merlin, no!" Harry gasped and grabbed Jeremy without thinking, waking him up. Jeremy started crying immediately and Harry kissed his forehead before he took off towards the Hospital wing with Jeremy in his arms.

 

"Please, you've got to help him!" Harry begged for the tenth time in a row and held himself back before he started tugging on Poppy's nightgown.

"Harry. Sit." Poppy's voice sleepy, now tinged with annoyance, lacked its usual warmth. "I'm running the diagnostic spell, but my experience tells me that it's nothing serious."

"But he has a fever!" Harry exclaimed. Poppy's assurances did nothing to calm his panic. "What if he has dragon pox?!"

Poppy groaned. "He doesn't have any spots."

The doors of the infirmary swung open and in strode Severus, his robe billowing behind him and revealing his pyjamas. "What is going on?"

"Severus! Jeremy's sick!" Harry exclaimed and ran to him, only stopping short when they were close enough to touch. Severus closed the distance between them, pulled Harry close and put his arm around Harry's shoulders.

"What is it?" Severus asked Poppy, who held up a hand.

"We will know soon enough. Just wait for the spell."

Harry looked up at Severus. "How did you know?"

Severus seemed uncomfortable for a moment, but the look vanished soon enough from his face. "I cast a charm that would alert me if you or Jeremy came to the Hospital Wing and were sick."

"Thank you," Harry whispered and let himself be hugged.

There was a chiming and Poppy waved her wand again, then turned to face Harry and Severus, who were looking at her with anxiety in every breath they took. "He had a cold. A little bit more than just sniffles, but definitely less serious than dragon pox. Give him this potion twice a day for two days and come to see me then. He will be fine." Poppy raised an eyebrow at Severus and added: "And yes, Severus, the potion was made by you, is fresh and – naturally – top quality. Now, if you'd excuse me. I'd like to go back to sleep."

Harry thanked her profusely, then took Jeremy, who was asleep again, into his arms and left the infirmary. Severus accompanied them to their quarters and they walked in silence until they had reached the doors.

"Would you like me to stay?"

Harry looked wide-eyed at Severus. "I …" He looked at Jeremy, the freckles on his face that looked so much like Charlie's. He didn't want to be alone and fret the whole night about his son's health. "No. Thanks. I'll … I'll manage," he said and quickly closed the door behind him. Now he would be alone and fret the whole night about what an arse he had just been. About how much he liked to kick his wants and needs with his feet and then hex them. About how he was an ungrateful and unfeeling bastard to just about everyone. Jeremy coughed.

 

******

 

Three days after Harry's and Jeremy's midnight-visit to the infirmary, Jeremy was back to his former health and Harry slept even less. Ever since he had rebuffed Severus that night, Severus had stopped talking to him and Harry had finally realised that things could not continue like this. He might not allow himself to be in love with Severus, but that was his problem, and he couldn't and wouldn't deny himself the friendship with Severus that he had come to depend on. He missed Severus and wanted to spend time with him again. Humbled, and in an attempt to apologize to Severus, he had sent Severus an invitation for tea and had included the promise of chocolate-cake. The only thing that he needed now was the recipe for his famous double chocolate mud-cake that was safely tucked away in an old book about the Goblin wars in his former home.

"I'll just pop over and get that blasted book before I forget again," Harry said and kissed Jeremy's forehead as a goodbye. "Thanks again for watching him tonight."

Molly waved him off. "Oh, don't worry about it, dear. You know how much we love having Jeremy here. Besides, tomorrow morning Ron will bring Rose and Hugo over as well. They can all play together."

"Thanks anyway." Harry gave Molly a hug and Floo'd into his old home. Stumbling out of the fireplace he looked around the study and came to the conclusion that he must have left the book in the living room. There were books all over the house, some presents from Hermione that had barely been touched, some part of Charlie's collection about dragons, some remnants from the old Black library, and yet others that Harry had bought in order not to get rusty with his spell-work. Playing house and taking care of Jeremy had always taken up a lot of time and energy, but it hadn't exactly been intellectually stimulating.

Harry brushed some soot from his robes and wandered into the living room, stopping dead when he found two barely clad figures rutting on the couch. His gasp caught the attention of the men and they turned around.

"Ch-Charlie? Draco?!" The sheer impossibility of the situation thundered through Harry, making him stumble backwards. How could this be? How could his friend…? How could Charlie…? They had never said… He had never suspected…

Harry turned and fled the room, running towards the fireplace as he heard Draco call out his name. How had this happened? Had there been something going on before his marriage had ended? Why had Draco never said anything? He heard steps rushing after him. He wouldn't make it to the Floo! But he couldn't face them! Belatedly remembering that he could Apparate from here, he was gone before they even entered the room.

 

******

 

Harry didn't hear the knocking on the door, nor the spell that nearly blasted the thing out of its hinges. He only looked up as Severus was standing right in front of him.

"What's wrong?"

"Charlie and Draco … they…" Harry took a deep breath. Unshed tears were swimming in his eyes. Severus looked wide-eyed at him and hadn't even time to react when Harry threw himself on Severus with something like a sob and kissed him. Severus pushed him away.

"I will not be the outlet for your grief! And neither will I serve as means for any kind of pitiful revenge!"

Harry shook his head and pulled Severus close again. "It's not like that. I've been telling myself … I wanted … I felt so … incredibly guilty! For wanting you so much! For wanting you like this when my marriage has just been over for a few weeks. "

"Three months."

Harry looked Severus in the eyes, honest, sincere and quite a bit scared. "Point is, I want you and like you and told myself I was a bad man for doing so. And for what? For nothing! Because I don't owe anything to anyone except myself."

"And you're sure I like you."

Harry snorted. "Not at all."

"And yet you are … throwing yourself at me." Severus' mouth moved as if trying to smile. "Gryffindor."

"Apparently." Harry grinned broadly and Severus pulled him closer and kissed him.


End file.
